Distraction
by alphaangel
Summary: Grissom receives a shock after a difficult case which causes him to re-evaluate his feelings for Sara. Updated.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my distraction to keep my mind of my exam results that arrive next week. Eek! It was suggested by Twisted Puppy, thanks for the idea. Please review. And be careful as it is possibly triggering for self harmers. Set sometime before Nesting Dolls. I might do a second part with Sara talking to Grissom about her childhood if people want it. Please review._

**Distraction**

It had been a bad case. Everyone has something that they struggle with. Catherine hates anything to do with kids. Nick has problems with sexual abuse. I can't handle domestic abuse.

I can remember my first domestic abuse case, it was back when I was a CSI in San Francisco, before Grissom called me to Vegas. I'd only been a CSI a few weeks. I was still full of unrealistic idealisms. It was a classic case – alcoholic husband uses wife as punching bag for years and one day goes too far.

Compared to most of the things we see it wasn't too bad. It wasn't a horrific scene with blood splattered up the walls. No disfiguring wounds. No crying children. Just one bruise on her temple. But, Hell, the case floored me. I don't remember going home that night. But I do remember sitting on the floor in my bathroom with a razor blade in front of me. And a half empty bottle of vodka.

I don't remember when I started self harming. But I was pretty young when I realised that the physical pain caused by my father's beatings hurt less than the emotional pain caused by the other things he did. When he beat me, burnt me, broke my bones, it was a distraction.

The first time I actually cut was when I was ten. My dad had been screaming at me, doing the most horrific things to me, beating my mum but for some reason, that night, he wouldn't actually hit me. I'd locked myself in the bathroom to get away from him. I could hear my mum scream and all I wanted was for it to be over. I associated pain with him stopping.

I saw his razor blade lying on the side of the bath and I didn't even think about it. I picked it up and I used it to cut my arm. It wasn't deep, didn't even bleed immediately. After a few seconds beads of blood appeared along the graze. I felt calm, for the first time, I felt truly calm.

That's how I came to be sat on my bathroom floor again. Tonight's case had been a bit too close to home. Except tonight it was the wife that was stabbed to death, not the husband as it had been in my parents case. But there was still a little girl watching as her mother died, just as I had witnessed my father's death.

I was still working my way through the traditional bottle of vodka as I picked up the razor blade and held it tightly in my right hand. I hooked my little finger around the bottom of my sleeve and pulled it up to reveal my scarred forearm. The scars had increased in number and severity so much recently that I had taken to wearing long sleeves even in the hot Nevada sun, keeping the scars away from my prying colleagues eyes.

With a shaking hand I held the razor against my skin and, in one swift movement, cut deeply through the flesh. I looked at the wound through alcohol confused eyes as the blood immediately started to pour, soaking into my trousers and shirt. I knew that I had gone too far but I didn't do anything about it.

I dropped the razor on the tiled floor and picked up the bottle of vodka. Clumsily knocking it over before catching it again and lifting it to my mouth. The anger and fear was draining away with every beat of my heart. I was becoming numb, my dream has always been to become numb.

I vaguely heard someone knocking on the door as I slid down the side of the bath and onto the floor.

---

Gil looked back down at the report he was attempting and shut the file again. The case hadn't affected him much, it was no worse than anything else they saw day in day out but he'd anxiously watched Sara throughout. He hadn't wanted her anywhere near the case but it was all hands on deck and he knew she would fight him if he even suggested removing her from it.

He'd watched her leave the lab, shoulders sagging from the strain and, after seeing the defeat in her eyes as she said good bye, hadn't been able to concentrate on anything since.

Eventually he gave up and left the lab. Thinking about having a glass of whiskey and watching a documentary before bed.

He stopped at a red light and looked around. Sara lived only minutes away. Maybe he would just drive by. Check she'd gone home rather than stopping at a bar.

He saw her car immediately as he pulled into the parking lot in front of her building. He didn't feel relieved, for all he know she had picked up a six pack of beer from a shop and was drinking in there now. Or she had come home and gone back out, leaving her car there. He sat there for ten minutes staring at her window, hoping that maybe she would appear in it and let him know that she was safe.

Suddenly he found himself, jumping out of his car and running up the stairs to her front door. He just needed to see her, and he was here now so he might as well check.

He knocked once, twice, three times and still no answer. So he tried calling her cell phone, he could hear it ringing somewhere in her apartment. He knew Sara would never go out without her phone.

He took his keys out of his pocket and selected the spare key Sara had given him a few years ago when she'd gone away for a forensic conference and needed him to water the lily that he had given her. He'd forgotten to give it back to her and she'd never asked. Right now he was glad for their lapse of memory.

After knocking once more he let himself into her apartment and quickly searched the living room, kitchen and bedroom. Drawing a blank he opened the last door, the bathroom.

The pool of blood was growing by the second, eating up more floor as it went. And lying in the middle was Sara, her skin was so pale and her eyes half closed.

He knelt down beside her and grabbed her left arm, wrapping a towel tightly around the wound.

"Sara?" He said shaking her slightly. "Come on Sara, look at me."

"Grissom?" She said in a quiet voice, confused as to how he was suddenly in her bathroom.

"Yeah, I'm here. It's ok, honey, just keep your eyes open, stay with me."

"Sorry." She whispered, her voice slightly slurred from alcohol and blood loss.

"Shit Sara." He took his phone out of his pocket and called for an ambulance.

"Don't do this to me Sara. Please, don't die on me." He begged while waiting for the ambulance to come.

---

Consciousness returned slowly to Sara, then she realised that Grissom was sat beside her, looking terrified. He held her hand tightly as though she would disappear if he let go.

"Sara? Sweetheart? It's ok, you're at the hospital, you're ok."

Sara looked around the room in a daze. She had no recollection of coming here. The last thing she remembered was the case ... and sitting on her bathroom floor ... with a razor blade. Then it all came flooding back. She had cut too deeply, and then Grissom had appeared beside her as if by magic. She had no idea how he had got the or why he was there but she realised that he had saved her life.

"Why Sara?"

"Why what?"

"Why would you do that? After all the suicide cases we see? All the families we watch destroyed by it? Why would you try to kill yourself?"

"I didn't." She muttered, closing her eyes from the white sterile light and Grissom's accusing gaze.

"You didn't what?"

"I didn't try to kill myself."

"Sara, I was there, I walked into your bathroom and you'd slit your wrist open. You tried to kill yourself."

"No, I didn't." Sara said slightly louder. "Grissom, I'm not suicidal. I'm a self harmer. I cut myself. I, I just went too far." It was true, even at her lowest points, she had never tried to kill herself. It had been on her mind once or twice, she'd thought about how easy it would be to just end it all. But her want to live had always out-weighed her pain and distress. In truth, she self harmed so she could go on living. She'd had to find some way of easing the pain so that she wouldn't go crazy.

"You self harm?" Gil asked shocked, he'd never noticed the scars, at least, he had never thought them suspicious. Sara didn't answer. "Since when?" He continued slightly more sensitively.

"Since I was a kid."

"But, why?"

"Please, I can't talk about this."

"Sweetheart," he began in a gentle voice, "I think you need to. And I think you're going to have to."

"No, no I can't."

"Sara, the doctors think you tried to commit suicide, they want you to talk to a psychiatrist. I don't think they're going release you until a psychiatrist is happy that you aren't a danger to yourself."

"Do you think I'm a danger to myself?" Sara asked in a strangely emotionless voice. She refused to meet his gaze fearing that she would see only pity or even disgust there.

"Honestly Sara, right now I just don't know. I had no idea that you were this, this unhappy. And I'm scared. You could have died. I could have lost you. I, I, it scares me to think about what might have happened if I hadn't come around to see you, or if I didn't still have a key to your apartment. Even if it wasn't your intention to kill yourself, you nearly did and you need help to ensure that it never happens again."

Sara heard the fear and concern in his voice and risked looking up at him. She was shocked to see only love in his eyes. "Ok." She whispered holding his hand as tightly as he was holding hers. "I'll try, I'll talk to someone. I'm sorry I scared you."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "That's ok, as long as you're safe, that's all I care about."


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: Potentially triggering.**

**This chapter is for My Kate who has been so helpful with her comments recently.**

**Chapter 2**

At some point Sara must have fallen asleep because when she woke up again it was dark. She could see the ever present neon lights shining through the curtainless windows. She could still feel a warm hand enclosing hers and was surprised to see Grissom still sat beside her bed, worry was clouding his blue eyes.

Sara's attention was drawn to the white bandage wound around her arm. She held it up to her face so she could see it more clearly. She gazed at it with fascination, knowing what lay beneath it. If she looked closely enough she could trace the old silvery scars that divided her arm, the evidence of past mistakes. Her arm was like the map of her life, each mark represented a moment in her life. A moment that scarred her not only physically but also emotionally.

Grissom watched her with concern. Her interest in the damage she had caused to herself scared him. "Sara?" He said cautiously.

She looked up at him, a hint of surprise on her face, almost like she had forgotten he was there, her concentration on the bandage was so intense.

"Sara?" He asked again. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah," she said with a smile on her face that didn't reach her eyes, "I'm fine. Are you ok?"

"Sara, do you remember why you're here?" His words were hesitant, he was unsure of exactly what to say, how to word it.

She didn't answer.

"Sara?"

"I had an accident." Her voice lacked any emotion, any tone.

"Do you remember what caused the injury?"

"I had an accident." She repeated in the same expressionless voice.

"I'm just going to go and let the doctor know that you're awake." Grissom said.

"Are you going to come back?" He thought he could almost hear fear in her voice.

"Of course I will, Sara."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I'm just going to go and talk to the doctor, then I'll be back."

Sara sat up straight in the bed, wrapped her arms around her legs and then rested her chin on her knees. Grissom bit his lip as he watched her do this, he didn't want to leave her, but he had to talk to the doctor.

He found the doctor stood just down the hallway, talking to a nurse.

"Doctor, could I speak to you please?"

"Yes, of course, Mr Grissom. What can I do for you?"

"I'm very concerned about Sara. Earlier we spoke, she seemed ok but she's just woken up and, I don't know, she doesn't seem to be aware of what happened, or why she's here."

"We are very concerned about Miss Sidle's state of mind. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet but we follow up all suicide attempts with a psychiatric evaluation."

Grissom shook his head. "That's just it, when we were talking earlier, when she was lucid, she said it wasn't a suicide attempt. She said that she self harms and that she just went too far."

"We did find a lot of old scars on her arm. Suicide attempts are more common amongst self harmers, often it is accidental though. But whether it was suicide or self harm, she's going to need a lot of support."

"How can I help her?"

"Be there, listen when she's ready to talk. And most important, don't judge her. I'm going to chase up the psychiatrist and then I'll come and see her."

"Thank you." Grissom returned to Sara's room still concerned but at least he now had some idea of what to do.

She was sat in the same position as he had left her, still staring blankly at the wall ahead. "Sara?" He said sitting down beside her again.

"I want to go home now." She said quietly.

"Not just yet, honey. The doctor is going to come and see you in a minute."

"I want to go home." She whispered.

"I know. But I'm going to stay with you until you can, ok?"

The doctor entered the room and Sara visibly tensed, she closed her eyes. She heard Grissom move away from her. "Please don't leave me." She said under her breath.

Grissom glanced at the doctor. "Ok honey, I'm not going anywhere."

"Sara, my name's Doctor Benton. I treated you when you were admitted. How are you feeling?"

"I want to go home."

"You can't just yet. Can I check your arm?"

Sara held her left arm out for the doctor but kept her eyes closed. Her shoulders were still tense, showing her obvious discomfort at the doctors presence.

The doctor gently held her arm as he unwrapped the bandage, he checked the stitches and looked for any signs of infection. "It looks ok, is it painful?"

"No." Sara muttered.

"If it starts to hurt let us know so we can give you some pain relief." He stopped talking and watched her for a second, she remained still, her eyes were open again but she had returned to staring at the wall in front of her. "Sara, I've asked a psychiatrist to come and see you."

"I'm not crazy."

"I don't think you are, but I do think that you are going through a tough time at the moment and you need some help so that we can ensure that you don't get hurt again."

"I'm not crazy." She repeated.

"Will you talk to the psychiatrist Sara?"

"I'm not crazy."

"Ok, Sara." He realised that he wasn't going to say anything that would get through to her, the sooner she say a professional the better.

He gestured for Gil to join him by the door as he left. "I'm going to ask a psychiatrist to come down here urgently."

Gil nodded and sat back down beside her. "Everything is going to be ok, Sara." Grissom glanced down at his watch. "I need to go and make a quick phone call, I'll just be a few minutes." He got no response so he hurried out of the room. He stood outside and dialled Catherine's number quickly.

"_Willows."_

"It's Gil, I haven't got time to explain now but I won't be in tonight, neither will Sara. Can you cover for us?"

"_Yes, of course I can. Is something wrong? Is Sara ok?"_

"I'm sorry, I really can't explain now. Sara's ok. I promise I'll call you as soon as I can."

"_Ok Gil."_

"Can you make an excuse to the guys, so they don't worry."

"_Ok, don't worry about the lab. Just concentrate on whatever is going on."_

"Thanks, Catherine, I owe you one."

He returned to Sara.

"I'm not crazy. I want to go home." She whispered.

**Please review?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Grissom turned when he heard someone opening the door and coming into the room. Sara didn't seem to notice, she kept staring ahead.

"Hello Sara, my name is Doctor Lara Hunt, your physician has asked me to come and see you."

"Please, I just want to go home." She begged.

"Soon, Sara. But first we need to talk. If you talk to me, and you cooperate then you're going to get out of here much quicker."

"Ok." Sara replied, she seemed more conscious of what was going on around her. Gil stood up to leave Sara and the doctor alone. She suddenly reached out and caught hold of his hand. "Stay. Please?"

Grissom glanced at the doctor who nodded slightly. He sat back down but she still clung tightly to his hand.

"Can you tell me why you hurt yourself?"

"It helps." She said shortly.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?"

"No." She replied honestly.

"Have you hurt yourself before?"

"Yes."

"How many times?"

"Hundreds."

"When did you start?"

"When I was a kid." Sara was keeping her answers short. She wanted to cooperate but she didn't want to give away too much.

"How does it make you feel, when you cut yourself?"

"Calm."

"So what happened yesterday?"

"I went too far."

"Ok, Sara. I'm not stupid, I'm not going to tell you that you need to stop self harming. Not just like that. But we do need to ensure is that you don't risk your life again."

The doctor paused to allow Sara to digest what she had said.

"I don't think the hospital is the best place for you," she continued looking at Sara's notes, "I will have you discharged on two conditions. First, that you agree to see me twice a week and second, that you stay with someone."

"You can stay with me." Grissom said.

Sara looked up and opened her mouth to argue. She wanted to get out of the hospital more than anything, but she wanted to go home, she wanted to be alone.

"Griss, no..." She said shaking her head.

"Please Sara."

She heard the desperation in his voice. "Ok." She whispered.

---

The nurse handed Grissom a leaflet as the doctor examined Sara before she was discharged. "Dr. Hunt asked me to give you this before you left. Oh, and this is Miss Sidle's first appointment." She also handed his a small appointment card.

"Thank you." Grissom replied.

"She's all ready to go." The doctor said coming out of Sara's room.

"Thank you." Grissom repeated.

"Keep an eye on her, and don't leave her alone with anything sharp. This isn't going to be easy for her."

Grissom nodded, he'd already been home to remove his razors from the bathroom and hide his kitchen knives.

He returned to Sara to find her dressed and stood by the window, staring out at Las Vegas.

"You ready to go?" He asked.

She turned around and smiled a small smile at him. "Yeah."

They walked down the corridor and into a lift. Sara pulled her jacket tightly around her as they came closer to the exit. Grissom placed his hand gently on her back to reassure her, he could see that she was nervous.

"I thought we should stop by your apartment first to pick up whatever you need." He said as they got in the car.

"Ok." She muttered.

The car was silent as they drove to Sara's apartment. It wasn't awkward but there was a tension in the air. Sara hesitated before entering her apartment. "It's ok." Grissom said softly. He had cleaned up her bathroom when he had picked up some clothes for her to wear home.

Sara let them in and walked to the bedroom. She opened her closet and then closed it without removing anything. "Look Griss, I'm ok. I can stay here. I'll be ok."

Grissom shook his head. "No Sara, I'm not leaving you."

Sara shrugged and turned back to her closet, pulling a bag out and dropping it onto her bed. She opened a drawer and pulled some clothes out, she paid no attention to what she was putting in, she just threw it haphazardly into the bag. When she opened the door to the bathroom she paused for half a second. If she was surprised to find it clean, she didn't show any sign, instead she just took what she needed from the sides and placed it into a wash bag.

"Is there anything else you need?" Grissom asked as he picked up her bag.

She looked around her living room and then lifted the plant that Grissom had given her from the shelf it stood on. She gave him a small grin. "She's going through a growing phase." She said by way of explanation.

"She?"

"Yeah, I call her Lilly."

"You, er, named a plant?"

"Yeah, of course I did. You've named you tarantula!" She replied as though it was the most normal thing in the world.

"But he's a living thing."

"So is Lilly."

Grissom opened his mouth but realised that he didn't actually have an argument for this. "I don't really know what to say to that. Ready to go?"

She took a deep breath. "Yeah."

---

Grissom pulled up in front of his house. Sara anxiously looked up at it, she's only been here a few times over the years. Grissom is out of the car and has taken her bag from the back seat before she even had a chance to open the door.

He placed a hand reassuringly on her back as she hugged the plant to her chest.

"Griss, I'm not sure, you don't want me under your feet. Maybe I should just go home. I'll be fine."

"Sara you won't be under my feet. I want you here."

"Really?" She couldn't believe that anyone would want her around. She was too messed up.

He nodded. "I want you here." He repeated.

"Ok." She whispered as he led her inside. He showed her to the guest bedroom and put her bag on the bed.

"I'll go and make coffee." He said while watching her, she looked lost, confused.

She stood uncomfortably in his kitchen as he made the coffee. "Griss?"

He looked up from the coffee machine.

"What does the lab know?"

"Nothing. Catherine is covering for us, she's told the guys that your sick and I'm looking after you. She knows that something's wrong, she just doesn't know what."

"I don't want them to know, about me, about what I do."

Grissom nodded. "Ok." He handed her the coffee.

"There's nothing wrong with me. I mean, I know what I do is strange but it's not really any different to smoking, or drinking or, or, jumping out of aeroplanes. I don't like doctors or hospitals, that's the problem. They remind me of my mother, of going to visit her just after... just after my father died." She wrapped her hands around the mug, allowing the warmth to infiltrate her body.

"I just want you to be safe, Sara, and happy. I want you to be able to talk to me, I know you don't find it easy, but sometimes it helps."

Sara looked down at her mug.

"I'll be here when you're ready to talk."

There was silence for several minutes, broken only by Grissom sipping his coffee.

"You know I wasn't trying to kill myself don't you? That's never been the point. Suicide was never the point. I'm a CSI, if I wanted to kill myself I'd be dead now."

"I know." They sat down. "Will you explain to me, how it helps?"

Sara thought for a moment before answering, trying to find the right words. "Sometimes I feel restless. My mind won't focus. I'll start thinking about things, my childhood, tough cases, the ones we couldn't close. It's like a pressure builds up, and, and cutting is the safety valve. It's like, all the strain drips out with the blood. I can focus on the pain and it stops me thinking about other things."

Grissom didn't say anything, instead her took hold of her free hand and held it.

"I've never told anyone about this before."

"I'm glad you told me."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to be allowed back to work for a while, am I?" She said with a sigh.

"Not until the doctor says you can, no."

"Are you going to tell Ecklie?"

"No."

"He'd fire me if he found out."

"I think he'd just insist on you seeing the department psychiatrist."

"He'd suspend me."

"Possibly."

"And look into all the cases I've worked on. If anyone finds out about this, I'll lose my career."

"No, you won't."

"It'll throw every conviction we've ever got into question."

"No, it won't"

"They'll say I'm not fit to do the job."

"No Sara. Listen to me. This isn't going to ruin your career, it's not going to harm any cases. You're a professional, no one can argue with that."

Sara shook her head. "If a defence lawyer found out about this."

"They're not going to find out about this. I promise, we'll get you through this."

She smiled weakly at him, reassured by his confidence.

"You look tired. Why don't you get some sleep, we'll talk some more in the morning?"

"Ok." She stood up and turned towards the guest bedroom. "Griss," she said turning back, "thanks for this, for everything."

"It's no problem at all, honey."

---

Grissom was still awake several hours later. He'd not been able to settle to anything, moving restlessly around the house, picking up books and putting them back down again. He couldn't keep his mind from Sara, thinking about what she'd said. Wondering if there had been any signs earlier that he should have seen. He found the leaflet that the nurse had given him just before they had left the hospital, it was advice about self harm, he sat down and read through it.

He froze as he heard a heart wrenching scream echo through the house. He ran to the guest bedroom, to Sara. She was sat bolt upright in the bed. Her eyes were wide, staring at the door but not seeing him.

"Sara?" He said as he approached her cautiously.

She continued staring forwards for several tense moments before she looked at him. "Griss?" She said in a shaky voice. Her breathing was fast and her shoulders shaking from fear.

"It's ok, sweetheart. It's just a nightmare. I'm here."

She leant into him and he held her tightly. "Make it go away, please." She whispered so quietly that he wasn't entirely sure that she had said anything at all."

"I'm trying, sweetheart, I'm trying." He murmured , stroking her hair away from her face.

**Reviews? Please?**


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